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  • Writer's pictureSamantha Morgan


Me being weird as usual.
This is the biggest news since the BIG BANG bitch!

This is the news of the century! Numerous people have looked to the stars to answer all of their questions regarding fate and love, but now you can count on it - Astrology is real!

Scientists just informed us, sure as climate change will kill us all if we don't stop raping and pillaging the planet - ASTROLOGY IS PROVEN TO BE FACT!

This solves the long running debate as to whether or not Aries are in fact the most selfish people of the zodiac - they are! And if Pisces are emotional space cadets void of trusting anything but the stories they tell themselves in their heads - nailed it! This is very exciting for anyone who’s ever dated a Leo - it’s true - it was never you, it was always them.

In fact, if you’ve ever had your heart broken he/she/they broke up with you not because they’ve never dealt with their unresolved past, or learned how to parent their inner child, or discovered how to set a boundary - It’s because of their astrological sign! All of us can only be as good as our zodiac signs allows, which is a real bummer for Scorpios; we now know every single serial killer was a Scorpio. Don't procreate in the beginning of the year, folks!

Do you know what this means? We don’t need to take any responsibility for any of our actions! The stars determine our fate, not our long-held beliefs or biases. Phew! That was a close one! Call your parents and give them a big FUCK YOU, especially if you’re a Capricorn! Nothing has ever been your fault except for the month you were born in, which obviously wasn't your fault. You are free of burden and blame - HOORAY! Burn the text books, we need to get Astrology 101 started at the preschool level. Children need to know as young as possible what’s in store for their summer relationship forecast.

Being a Pisces myself this explains a lot. It actually explains everything. Pisces are the most susceptible to drug and alcohol abuse due to our dreamy nature. We’re water signs and the most wise of the Zodiac, hence why we use drugs and alcohol - because we’re so wise. If anyone who isn’t a Pisces somehow became addicted to drugs, lay off our kool-aid. It’s our birth given right to drown in our “troubled headspace” and to “distort reality” - get your own!

Rest assured you’re dating life will make much more sense moving forward. Don’t date anyone who isn’t a good pair for your Zodiac sign, or you’ll be left saying, “He’s just such a Leo, I knew it would never work.” It’s true Becky, you’re a Cancer! Don’t be crazy! Find yourself a nice Libra and settle the fuck down.

It’s a relief to know the world we live in is one that’s fixed. Everything is predetermined and destined to be. Keep looking for the signs. They’re definitely there. They’re everywhere! Everywhere you wish to see a sign, one will appear. Because that’s literally how the brain works. Our brains are meaning making machines. Any meaning you want to make based off your Zodiac sign will be your perception (therefore scientific fact*) as you project it onto all of your victims. So keep up the good work! Own your sign, don’t change or strive to take accountability for anything in your life, science FINALLY gives us the green light to keep being garbage humans. And that’s all we’ve ever really wanted, right?

All we’ve ever wanted was to not be wrong. All we’ve ever wanted is to just be right about everything, but especially about the inner workings of the Universe. The Universe was wise to align the stars right where it did when you were born so you could be the way you are. It didn’t want you to think for yourself or understand that you are one with the void. That what you came from is the same place you’ll return to. It’s even part of where you are now. That what is above is also below. That what exists within you is also outside of you, everywhere in everything. That you are like a God yourself. It doesn't want you to know that you have enough power coursing in your cellular structure to defy reality, no it wants you to stress over what’s his name… the Gemini we’ll just say, texting you back.

The Universe didn’t want to make things too hard for us simpletons, so it gave us a blueprint of the stars that would dictate our entire lives. It would influence how we acted towards not only ourselves but everyone we come into contact with. No, why would something so spectacularly brilliant ever want us to be anything but basic? Why would it want us to do anything but stay small? So it could be bigger? Probably, selfish ass Universe. We get it, you're huuuuugggggeeeeee!

It only ever wanted us to read our horoscope in the May issue of Cosmo, that’s what it's been saying all along. It doesn’t want us to experience its vastness so it too could experience it. The Universe wanted 12 categories for the billions of humans to fit nicely into. It’s obviously easier that way... Mathematically, that just makes sense.

The Universe didn’t deal you your cards so you could rise above them, so you could think outside of what appears to be true and explore what could potentially be created. It wanted us only to think of ourselves in boxes and labels. In sizes and commodities. As things and not beings. It never had high hopes for us, it just wanted us to have a scorching summer fling with that cute Virgo.

It didn’t want us to expand, to live harder and love deeper and to reflect back to it what this cosmic, human experience is like. How the stars look from your eyes, or the way a symphony sounds in your ears. How you attach your meaning to your life with your heart. It doesn’t want you to transcend the barriers you believe are in place, no it just wants you to be stuck wondering when you’ll find your “soulmate”. It wants you to base your entire life of what could be instead of what's in front of your fucking face!

It doesn’t want you to know that you are the Universe. That we are not separate, but one. It doesn't want you to know that you can choose to believe in whatever you want. That your precious mind allows you more freedom than you've ever imagined. It doesn't want you to know that you're powerful and so beautifully created that you too can create, just as it has. That instead of projecting your fears onto the world, you could instead project your hopes and faith in humanity. It doesn’t want you to grasp that somehow YOU ended up apart of a great, collective experience happening in real time. Right now. And that right now is all that matters. That your voice and your energy matter in making this place what it is. No. It just wants you to be a fucking Zodiac sign.

* Scientific facts are only relevant to what we would like to perceive.

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