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  • Writer's pictureSamantha Morgan

The Top 5 1/2 Rules Women Should Use To Get a Man (and other bullshit)

Hands with wedding rings.
I apologize they only put white people in free photos.


Hey Ladies aka Mindless, Helpless, Information Vacuums!

Are you depressed because that man-boy you loved who barely works and lives with his mom didn’t want to marry you? Well pick yourself up off the floor and grab yourself a bottle of wine - since alcohol has done you sooooooo many favors in the past - and read this article! We know your life has been a mess since he left because without a man why would you even exist - ew.

We've got some good and some bad news, so we'll let you in on the bad news first - this dude is gone, you have to let him go. Good news is you’re off to find someone even hotter and richer now, so you better start hitting spin class, bitch. Dudes only date skinny girls. So let's get you refocused on fixing everything "wrong" with you outwardly, but we'll keep all that deep, dark inward shit right where it is. Oh, and that last dude is probably just like, too in love with you to be with you, and he probably thinks you’re too pretty and successful for him. But surely this in no way has anything to do with either of your mental conditioning or ability to set boundaries so with a little awareness and effort this could be avoided in the future! So get your tits out and let's get back on Tinder!


Everything you read all the time aka Satan


You've seen these articles and read them eyes wide, heart beating fast that this time would be it. You finally found the article for only $6.99 in Shape that's going to answer all you ever needed to know about how to attract the opposite sex. But wait, haven't you read this article before? Isn't that a stack of Shape and People magazines sitting on your vanity? Oh fuck, you might begin to think. How much have I even invested to get the answers I keep not receiving? Keep reading if you like, but I have some other rules you could at least consider if you want to. No pressure.

My rules don't offer any one worded answers since those don't actually exist. Rather, the answers come when you apply the knowledge you think to be true and act upon it. Everything I'm going to tell you is pretty depressing, but it's from my heart, not me trying to feed off your broken one. If there's one thing I can do for you it's yank your head out of the clouds and pull you back down to reality here on Earth where we're supposed to exist.

Rule # 1: Stop reading garbage literature that tells you how you need to or should be doing anything to get a man (aka 90% of magazines and websites - besides mine). People are making millions of dollars off your insecurities, and you should be getting a cut of that. You’d be rich, bitch. I read those articles too sometimes, the ones that say ‘Why Single Women Are Happier Than Women in Relationships’ which really equates to, 'What Single Women Need to Tell Themselves to Justify Being Single in a Bullshit Society That Makes Being Single Beyond 15 Taboo.' I usually read them when a friend shares one on social media, and as I read the article I question how the author got published and probably makes more money than me. And the answer is that they probably went to school and worked hard to get where they are. They probably want to be writing more meaningful shit but this is where they’re at for now. Fair. I initially carry a very selfish way of assessing anything in the world but I’m working on that by using logic because I’m such a good person.

Anyway, we have this amazing thing that sits behind our eyes that’s capable of truly impressive shit when we nourish it with the truth. It’s called the brain and it’s being proven we’re able to recondition it to resist the lies that are being force fed into it everyday. Lies telling us we need to tighten and tone and shove jade eggs in our vaginas to attract the perfect mate. You know who doesn’t read those lies you read in Glamour and Goop? DUDES! The very thing you’re trying to catch and cage isn’t even on the same page as you! They have their own magazines and literature telling them their mediocre bodies are perfectly fine and to come off ultra rapey as often as possible.

So stop feeding into the culture that is in part to blame for all of your misery. And surely we all know somewhere inside of us we don’t need a man. We can eat, breathe, and even get off without one (arguably only get off without one). But we are (generally) biologically designed to want the opposite sex (I’m aware this blog is geared towards straight women but I promise the information can apply to everyone despite your sex or sexual preference). So don’t feel bad if you’re lonely and craving that D. You’re human. But before swiping right on the next D you see to fill the void, we’re going to have a nice, little chat with your B (that's your brain).

Rule # 2: Grab a mirror and look at your vagina, now remove whatever Gwyneth Paltrow told you to stick up there. If you haven't followed her advice good job. If you have, once you've collected all the articles from your vagina re-read #1 and get cozy with it.

Rule # 3: A lot of our relationships fail because we think we want certain things when we don’t. As you begin to switch gears on what you’re feeding your brain (i.e. the Invisibilia podcast instead of Khloe K.’s Instagram) it’s best to take some time to figure out what you really want in a relationship before pile-driving yourself back into the first one that comes available. Now is the time to sit with what’s really been happening in your relationships. It's going to take a lot of accountability and it isn't going to feel good.

For two years straight I told every guy I dated I didn’t want anything serious because I was a major traveler at the time and was secretly reserving my hand in marriage for a British guy who didn’t exist. As the years persisted, and the dating got worse, and I kept not meeting and marrying a British guy, it dawned on me. Was it possible he didn’t exist? Was I pushing away the partners in front of me to maintain an idea that wasn’t set anywhere in truth or reality? Was I in part to blame for the fucked up reality before me?! Were my casual lovers forming judgments and aligning their actions accordingly towards me because of what I was telling them?!!! Was I a fucking psycho? Yes.

But once I was faced with the truth it became clear - they were giving me exactly what I was asked for. Now I know in this climate no one wants to hear that a woman "got what she deserved," besides all the psycho-fuck republicans (barf) so let me be the first to scream from a mountain top that raping, beating, and harassing women is never okay! But since life isn't black and white and that isn't what I'm discussing here, please keep an open mind to what I'm saying. I never considered what I was telling these men would shift how they treated and felt towards me. No wonder the in-between-marrying-a-Brit dating wasn’t working, I kept telling them I didn’t want it to work by saying “let’s keep it casual.” But guess who got upset when my in-between-marriage-lovers treated me casual? Me - I did. Deep down I did want commitment and a loving relationship - I just thought only a British guy was capable of that. Which is just not true. But in order to prove that I chose a string of less than suitable lovers reinforcing why I should keep holding out.

Be aware of what you’re telling and asking of people. Sometimes they are giving you exactly what you asked for, even if it’s not what you really want. Being honest with yourself first and foremost may just save you a lifetime (or at least half by now) of miserable, meaningless relationships. Truth is I fucking hate casual. But I was so fixated on an expectation I couldn't accept the reality in front of me, which ultimately made me feel sad and worthless. Really, it was just a giant miscommunication between myself and them and myself and I.

Rule # 4: So time to ask yourself - what do you really want? Not what you think you want or what society tells you to want - but what do you really want. You probably want a lot of things, and you probably aren’t sure which are your real desires or ones that were planted at this point. So take some time to understand yourself. Meditate. Science backs that our brains have the capability of neuroplasticity, and can be trained and changed when we actively work on them consistently, forever. If you’re over indulging in anything whether it be eating, drinking/drugging, or sleeping with lines of men start to ask yourself why. Could a healthy - and by healthy I mean a real, loving relationship (see below) - truly live and flourish there? Get to know yourself better - I'm sure deep down you’re great. And if you’re not feeling great the good news is that leaves plenty of room to understand why.

Real, Loving Relationship (noun) - When two people, well I guess any number of people, male or female or somewhere in-between, come together fully aware of not only their own but the other person’s baggage which is being sorted accordingly, and decide that honesty and communication is the foundation of their relationship. These are about as common as a fucking unicorn because we all live in our heads instead of acknowledging the reality before our eyes, shitting on us. (Not literally). If you’re in one of these mystical, real, loving relationships, you should be writing this blog - not me. I’ve yet to stumble into one of these. But I do believe in them and I do believe I am worthy of having someone treat me in such a manner and for me to reciprocate, so that’s the first step.

Rule # 5: Self-awareness will be the key to your overall happiness. I say overall because happiness isn’t a certain place you actually end up and remain in. It’s an emotion accompanied by various others (anger, fear, sadness, anxiety) that help determine if what we’re doing in life is actually benefitting us. Problem is we like happiness the most because it feels the best, so we’re always on the hunt for more. Each emotion has it's purpose, let it play its role when it comes so you can fully feel it and move forward. Maybe it's trying to tell you something... maybe it means nothing at all...

Own your shit. None of us are perfect, arguably we’re mostly garbage humans leaving our trash everywhere polluting ours and others lives. But once you admit this you can begin to take accountability and realize it doesn’t have to be this way. It’s okay that you took mental shits and projected your ex onto everyone who swiped right on you. It’s okay you made mistakes and hurt people, mostly yourself, with your delusional bullshit. It’s okay that you’re a human whose emotions get the best of them sometimes. But now that you know this, it's time to make some changes.

Rule # 5 ½: Take a deep breath because this one is going to shatter your entire world. Repeat after me: "Soulmates aren’t real and I may die alone." Disney really fucked a lot of things up for us, especially women. No wonder we’re on a spectrum of playing hard to get and hiding all of our emotions to then drunkenly crawling up the side of homeboy’s apartment crying “Why won’t you text me back, beb?” If you’re raising children keep them away from Disney movies. They should probably be watching Animal Planet where lions kill and eat the cute, little zebras because that’s a more honest representation of the world (even the in the world of humans - we are animals after all). Disney does nail the dead parent thing though, I’ll give them that.

When we came out of the womb there wasn’t another counter-baby being born to later unite and spend their whole life with us. That’s literally insane. No, we’re just born and exist for about a blink of an eye, meet some people off and on who we make sex with, and then die. Don't get me wrong, there are people who find other people who they kill the time with quite well, but it takes work. Others spend their whole lives in search of this person so they often accept whatever comes their way just to make sure. Just kill the idea to begin with, then you're free. We are not owed anything in this life and nothing is guaranteed. Not even the happily ever after scenario Disney promised our futile, young minds. We have to maintain a healthy balance of our expectations VS. the reality in front of us. It’s often going to be our expectations that have disappointed us, not the person or situation. I’d even argue our aversion to accept reality is more dangerous than the assholes who break our hearts - men and women alike.

And other bullshit...

We do need love in our lives. We do crave acceptance. We can have both. But let it begin with yourself. Be picky and be choosy about who you allow into your head and your heart, and question all that is told and asked of you. If you hurt some feelings along way, that's okay. Feelings weren't meant to be coddled. We have them to learn and grow from and when we're too sensitive to them it has the opposite effect. And for anyone who doesn't know... As I type these words, I am telling myself all of this as much as you. I am still learning and practicing everything I write as much as any of you may be. I am as much the reader as I am the writer. So if I sound like I have it all figured out... good. Keep reading.

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